In another dream, I was pregnant and at the hospital to give birth. The only thing was that I was not in labor yet, and in fact, in my opinion, nowhere near the 9 month mark. While we were pacing in the hospital room, suddenly my abdomen came alive and began moving wildly. I saw the baby's hands and feet began pushing forth from my middle, and I heard clearly its cry to escape. It was trying to get out! I frantically began trying to get the doctors to work to take the baby out, all the while arguing that I was not ready yet! "How can this be? I am not even ready!"
I awoke with the strangest feeling after these dreams. The more I thought about them, the more I realized these dreams were revealing something going on inside my conscience. They were trying to show me something.
The last several days I have been working continuously to put together some lessons about spiritual disciplines for a retreat my Bible study girls will be taking in a few weeks. What started off as a strong and exciting compilation of several books on the subject had, as of yesterday, dissolved into a heap of books and papers that had no discernable direction, and certainly no lessons to follow or present. I went to bed feeling confused and defeated. Where was that clarity that accompanied those first days? The confidence that had helped me sort through and select the material? I was now questioning everything I thought I had nailed down. For a long time now, I had been asking God for an opportunity to use the gifts He has given me. I want to try out "teaching" in a safe environment. I want to write! I want to share my passion for "plugging in" to Christ with others and equip them for a more intimate relationship with Christ. What better place than in the company of ladies who love and support me so much?
But my doubts over being "competent", "ready" and "capable" were taking over and clouding the vision. Fear was giving way to a landslide of self-doubt.
And this brings us to my dreams. My fears of being incompetent or incapable at handling an important, yet doable task surfaced (such as giving my son a shot or coordinating this retreat). And even more poignantly, my fears of looking my dream in the face, anticipating its birth and then being too afraid to embrace it, believing I am not ready, is startling. Do I really believe this? Would I really allow self doubt to hamper God's delivery of my dream?
And isn't it just like God to circulate a devotion, sending it to me not once, but TWICE, to make sure I read it, that discusses what else but SELF DOUBT. Wow. Is He good or what??
From this devotion, I read about Gideon in Judges 6 and his consumption with fear over fighting a bigger, stronger enemy:
He was convinced that the Lord had abandoned him and his people because of all the oppression they were suffering. When the Lord told Gideon to go in the strength he had, saying "Am I not sending you?", Gideon was still thinking what we all would think: "But...." A word marked with doubt. And as the author of the devotion pointed out, Gideon was seeing circumstances through his own eyes, not through God's. God knew Gideon would be strong enough and successful, but Gideon didn't see it. By reading further into this story, we see that eventually Gideon overcame his doubts and fears by focusing on what God thought about him, instead of what he thought about himself.
And that is what I need to do now. God, show me what You think of me and this task. Help me not dwell on my own thoughts and self-doubt. After all....
"Am I not sending you?" [my emphasis] Joshua 6:14
"I" being the LORD, Jehovah, or Yahweh in Hebrew. The Great I AM is sending me; The divine being who is self-existent, self-sufficient, self-directed, eternal, and consistent. He who was, is and is to come. He is the one who is sending me.
And what does He think of me? I am His Beloved. The apple of His eye. A previous treasure. Holy and dearly loved. Redeemed. Beautiful. Worthy. Equipped to bring glory to His kingdom. Amen and AMEN!
Psalm 18:32
It is God who arms you with strength and make your way perfect.
